Mum's Big Break Read online

  It wasn’t that she hadn’t wanted to win it. Of course, she had! Back in September, she had been shocked but genuinely delighted to hear her name called out to a hushed banqueting hall. But she hadn’t expected the backlash that followed. She certainly hadn’t expected the competitiveness, the jealousy, the comparisons, the accusations or the character assassinations that seemed to come hand-in-hand with success in mummy blogging. She just wanted to write – but in doing so, she’d walked into a world she’d been quite unprepared for.

  Finding out that she was pregnant with her second baby was the perfect excuse to step back from it all for a while. Jessica and Chris had both agreed in the early stages of her pregnancy that she wouldn’t share the news with her blog followers until they were safely through their twelve-week scan – and as she always wrote her letters straight from the heart, she didn’t see the point in putting pen to paper until she had the freedom to be honest again. She kept her social media feed ticking along as usual, posting photographs from the award ceremony initially and then photos of family days out as the weeks and months passed by, but she hadn’t published a letter to Bella since she’d won that award five months earlier.

  The other problem was that she’d lost her notebook. That precious yellow notebook, which was monogrammed with her initials and filled with the letters she’d written to Bella since she’d first found out she was pregnant in August 2016. She knew it was somewhere in their house, as she’d never taken it beyond the front door – but despite fruitless hours of searching, it was still nowhere to be seen. By the time the calendar had flipped over to October, she’d given up the hunt and treated herself to a new notebook, choosing one with the same soft leather cover, but this time in an emerald-green. She imagined lining up a rainbow of notebooks on a bookshelf one day, filled with letters to her children. But even with a new notebook in her hands and a photo from their twelve-week scan stuck to the fridge, she couldn’t find the motivation to start writing again.

  She needed a break – and so that’s exactly what she did. She battled through the first few months of nausea, attended appointments with her doctor and midwife, and tried to summon up the energy to get through the day when her toddler was, quite literally, running rings around her.

  She would never describe her first pregnancy as ‘easy’ but faced with an entirely different scenario for growing her second baby, she felt pricks of jealousy towards the person she used to be. With her first pregnancy, she could enjoy lie-ins every weekend to catch up on sleep, she could sit at her desk all day and gaze out at the stretched lawns of Blackheath whenever she needed a moment to breathe, or collapse on the sofa as soon as she made it home from work. She wore skinny maternity jeans, stylish tunic tops and flattering dresses, all purchased new from the likes of Topshop, H&M, and ASOS maternity sections. She had time to sit and stroke her bump, letting her mind wander to the little person who was growing inside it. She asked Chris to take pictures of her bump regularly, stood side-on against a white wall in the landing upstairs, comparing the size to the photo before. She had an app downloaded on her phone that counted the weeks, likening Bella to a piece of fruit of the equivalent size. She had time to carefully plan Bella’s first wardrobe and the décor in her nursery. And when Bella arrived, albeit a month early and not how Jessica had planned in her mind at all, she felt like she already knew the little girl who stared back at her with big, green eyes.

  But this time? Jessica barely had time to think about the pregnancy, let alone the baby that would follow. There were no lie-ins, no moments of calm gazing out of the window, and no lazy afternoons on the sofa. Her clothes still fitted her, but this time they were dotted in unidentifiable splodges caused by a hug from a snotty nose or the remnants of that morning’s bowl of porridge. When people asked how many weeks she had reached in the pregnancy, she had to open the app on her phone to get a reminder – and she would have no idea, literally no idea, whether the baby inside her tummy was the size of a grape or a lychee or a watermelon. She’d only taken two pictures of her growing bump since she found out she was pregnant, and those were only once she realised in a moment of panic that she’d completely forgotten to take any at all. They’d chosen not to find out the gender this time (a compromise, as Jessica had wanted to find out with Bella and Chris had relented, despite preferring to keep it a surprise) which meant she didn’t know if Bella was getting a sister or a brother. The truth was that at twenty-six weeks pregnant, Jessica didn’t really know who she was expecting at all.

  She hadn’t had the energy to write letters, to compete with other bloggers for campaigns, or to attend launches. But here they were in Dubai, on a holiday she had promised to tell her followers about, and for that reason, she knew she needed to start blogging again. She couldn’t appear in photos in a bikini with her bump on show without some kind of explanation to her followers. So she’d unpacked that emerald-green notebook, and taken it to the pool each day, finding that the words spilled out far more easily than she’d imagined.

  And as she slept on that hotel bed that lunchtime, Jessica’s first letter was drafted on the first pages of the notebook lying in the bottom of her beach bag. And later that day, she would pull it out, dust off a layer of sand, start typing it up into a blog post, and press ‘publish’ to send it out into the world.

  And just like that, she would be blogging again.

  TWO

  Followers – 98,150

  Weeks pregnant – 26

  Months pregnant – 5

  Awards – 1

  Free holidays – 1

  Dear Bella and Bump,

  Once I’d pulled myself off the bathroom floor and got over the shock of that positive pregnancy test, the first thought that crossed my mind was: ‘Oh shit! I need to tell Daddy!’

  By this point, I was sitting in the lounge with my friends around me, sipping a mug of ginger tea and trying to stifle the overwhelming urge to run back to the bathroom and vomit. It was 1 a.m. I was tired. And those stabbing pangs of guilt that Daddy was none the wiser about this epic, life-spinning new development were a constant reminder that I needed to go home.

  A taxi was ordered – and about 30 minutes later, I was walking back through the doors of our home, holding my award in one hand and my clutch bag in the other. And stashed within that clutch bag was a clear sandwich bag with the pregnancy test zip-locked safely inside (not my idea – but in hindsight probably sensible, given it was still damp with wee).

  Once inside, I tip-toed into the kitchen to pour myself some water – and then up the stairs, as quietly and softly as I could manage. I was pretty sure that I’d blurt out the news within seconds if Daddy woke up. I couldn’t keep it all to myself. I reached our bedroom and paused, wondering if Daddy was already awake and anticipating my return. Deep down, I think I was hoping he had stayed awake all night, waiting to congratulate me again. And despite knowing he didn’t have the faintest clue about the pregnancy test result, I just couldn’t fathom that he’d be able to sleep through it all. How could he? The dynamics of our family unit had tilted on their axis. Surely he’d sense that? Surely something would stop him drifting off to sleep.

  But as I walked quietly into the room, I was met by two things. The sound of snoring, so loud that I stopped immediately in my tracks in the doorway. And the stink of booze emanating from every pore of his body, which made me turn on my heels and run towards the bathroom to gag.

  I decided to sleep downstairs that night, pulling a spare duvet and pillow out of the airing cupboard and heading back down to the sofa. Despite the tiredness that ached from the top of my head, right down to the tips of my toes, my mind wasn’t ready to sleep. Another baby! I was going to have another baby! I just couldn’t imagine it. How would I cope? How could I look after you, Bella, while growing your brother or sister? The questions jumped into my mind, one-by-one, turning my stomach into a knot of nerves and nausea, and as I lay on the sofa and stared at the ceiling, with my eyes wide open, and trying to breathe thro
ugh the waves of sickness, the big one suddenly hit me.

  How could I love another baby like I loved you, Bella?

  It wasn’t possible!

  There was no way!

  And with that, I allowed tears to roll down my cheeks and slowly soak right through the pillow.

  Love from Mummy x

  ‘COO-EE, BELLA!’ Jessica’s mother shouted, pressing her face right up to the screen of her phone, so you could only see the bridge of her nose. ‘Are you going to smile for Granny?’

  ‘Mum?’ Jessica said. ‘Can you move a bit further away from the screen? We can’t really…’

  ‘Oh! Sorry love!’ she sang loudly. ‘Hang on a tick! I might be able to prop it up!’ The screen was obscured by her fingertips and then a close-up of the cover of a cookery book, accompanied by several loud bangs and roars of noise. The picture finally flipped round to reveal her mother standing in the kitchen in a floral apron, squinting towards the screen. ‘Is that better? Can you see Granny now, Bella? Are you having a lovely holiday?’

  Bella’s eyes moved to the screen for a split second, before trailing away without a hint of recognition.

  ‘Do you miss Granny? Yes? You miss her? Granny misses you! I can’t wait to see you soon!’

  In Jessica’s arms, Bella squirmed.

  ‘GET DOWN, MUMMY! WANT GET DOWN NOW!’

  Jessica attempted to keep the phone steady in one hand, whilst trying to prevent Bella thrashing her elbows into her bump with the other.

  The smile was still fixed on her mother’s face.

  Jessica tried to direct Bella’s attention back to the screen. ‘Can you see Granny, Bella Boo?’ she said. ‘She’s right here on Mummy’s phone and wants to say hello to you!’

  Bella continued to thrash, a high-pitched wail accompanying her attempt to escape.

  ‘Sorry, Mum, not sure if this is really working,’ she said, releasing the toddler to the ground and watching her run to the other end of the suite.

  ‘Oh, that’s a shame,’ her mother replied. ‘Do you have time for a quick chat, love? How is everything over there in the Middle East? I’ve been keeping an eye on the news and everything seems to be stable…’ She accentuated the last word, widening her eyes.

  ‘Well, yes, Mum,’ Jessica said. ‘This is Dubai and I think things generally are quite stable over here.’

  Her mother raised her eyebrows. ‘Never can be too sure! I have been worrying love, of course I have! But are you having a lovely time together? What is the food like over there? I can’t even begin to imagine!’

  ‘Pretty normal actually, Mum. No camel meat served up, just yet.’

  ‘Gosh,’ her mother said, nodding her head. ‘You will have to let me know what it’s like if you try it!’

  ‘Will do, Mum,’ Jessica said, watching Bella unpack the contents of their beach bag onto the floor of the suite. ‘Sorry, Chris has popped down to the gym for an hour before we head to the pool. It’s been kind of crazy…’

  ‘Are you coming home tomorrow?’

  ‘Yep, we fly overnight tomorrow. Do you want to come over on Friday morning? It might be a bit easier to catch up if we’re face to face.’

  ‘That sounds lovely! Just let me know what time to get there! I can’t wait to hear all about your Middle Eastern adventure! I’ve been telling the ladies at “Bitch and Knit” all about it!’

  Jessica rolled her eyes and laughed. ‘OK, Mum, sorry, better go… Bella seems to have packed half the beach into her bucket and is managing to empty it all over the carpet…’

  Her mother snorted with laughter. ‘She’s such a pickle! Say goodbye to her from me! And I’ll see you on Friday!’

  ‘See you then, Mum,’ Jessica replied, ‘And say hi to Dad, Fran and Freddie for me? Is everyone OK?’

  ‘Right as rain! Now goodbye and see you Fri—’ Her mother cut herself off mid-word, leaving a close up of her left nostril frozen on the screen.

  ‘Wow, that was more difficult than I imagined,’ Jessica muttered under her breath, as she closed the app and strolled across the room to Bella, enjoying the feeling of the thick pile carpet on the soles of her feet.

  After doing her best to scoop up the indoor sandcastle, she picked up the TV remote and eventually found a cartoon to distract Bella in a language Jessica couldn’t recognise – not that Bella seemed to mind, immediately dropping the spade she was holding and moving her eyes to the screen. With the hope of five minutes to herself, Jessica sat on the edge of the velour sofa and glanced down at her phone. Notifications had been pinging onto the screen every few minutes since Jessica had posted the blog post the night before, her followers seemingly delighted by both her return to blogging and the news of her pregnancy.

  Her finger swiped onto her social media feed, scanning her eyes down the latest comments:

  Florence Young: I was so happy to see your blog post pop up on my feed and the news of baby number two nearly had me in tears! Congratulations and please keep blogging!

  Alexia-Rose Grey: Amazing news! So happy for all of you!

  Saskia Hicks: Oh wow! This is very exciting news! What will you call your blog if it’s a boy? ‘Letters to my daughter and my son’?

  Rebecca Tamworth: So if you found out about the pregnancy just after the award ceremony, am I right in thinking this baby is pretty well cooked already? SQUEAL! So excited for you! Please blog the next part of the story soon!

  Geraldine S Turner: So delighted for you, dear!

  Emilia Macmillan: I did notice that you hadn’t posted any full-length photos of yourself in Dubai on your social media feed! I wondered if this announcement was coming! Good to know my pregnancy sensors are still working!

  Jessica rolled her eyes. There was always one.

  Shutting down her social media feed, she swiped through to her inbox and re-read the message she’d sent to her blogging friend Wendy the night before. After her argument with Chris, she needed some advice about how to enjoy her last few days of the holiday without being interrupted by Annika and her team. Pro-blogger Wendy had been on so many of these trips in the past that Jessica hoped she’d know exactly how to handle it – and when her reply pinged through late in the evening it was exactly what she’d been hoping to hear.

  Hi Jessica! Lovely to hear from you! How is that lovely bump growing since I last saw you? I saw you announced it to all your followers last night! Congrats again! So exciting! Anyhooooow, the hotel sound like they are totally taking the piss! All you have promised them are the photos and posts – you haven’t promised all of your time too. This is supposed to be a holiday and you can’t really honestly review a holiday if you don’t actually experience, you know, a proper holiday! I know it’s not the easiest to do, but next time they try and drag you off your sunbed, just apologise and tell them you’ve got an appointment with the pool instead ;-) Honestly Jessica, tell them where to go! And enjoy every second of the last few days as it’s FREEZING in London! See ya! Wendy xx

  And after Jessica had thanked her earlier that morning, with nervous butterflies starting to flutter in her tummy at the thought of standing up for herself when Annika next approached, Wendy had pinged back a second message:

  No problem babe, I know it isn’t an easy situation to handle. I’ve just had another thought though… Why don’t you think about setting up some meetings with agents when you get back to London? I know we’ve spoken about it before and you said you hadn’t been blogging long enough, but you’ve won a big award now and may find it really handy with all the jobs that are being offered. This kind of situation wouldn’t really happen if you had an agent, as you could just call them and tell them you’ve had enough – and as soon as you hung up, your agent would contact the hotel marketing department and tell them to leave you alone! It’s a bit easier than fending them off yourself, believe me! If you want me to introduce you to my agent, let me know! She’s great and I’m sure she’d love to have you on board! Anyway, better go, kids fighting as bloody usual and it’s only 7 a.
m.! Grrr! But shall we meet soon? I have loads to tell you too xxx

  Jessica slunk back into the sofa. Wendy was right; the brand collaborations had been coming in thick and fast since she’d won the award in September, and even though she knew it made bad business sense, she’d turned down almost all of them. Doing streams of branded social media posts seemed a bit unfair to her followers when she wasn’t offering them any blog posts. But with her first post in months now live (and being read by thousands of followers every hour), she needed to make a decision.

  Deep in thought, Jessica jumped when the door clicked and swung open.

  ‘Hey, honey,’ Chris said, his face damp with sweat. Jessica tried not to flinch as he leant over the bed and kissed her on the lips, his brow brushing against hers.

  ‘Hey, how was that?’ she asked, trying to wipe her forehead with the back of her hand subtly as he turned towards Bella.

  ‘Great actually, I really needed it!’ he said as he crouched down beside her. ‘Hello baby girl! Have you been a good girl for Mummy?’

  Bella’s eyes remained fixed on the television, so Chris picked her up and swung her around go get her attention, much to her disapproval.

  ‘I’ll try not to take it personally that you are more interested in a Polish squirrel than your Daddy,’ Chris said, kissing his daughter on the forehead and placing her back in her preferred viewing position. ‘I guess we have spent quite a lot of time together on this holiday already…’

  ‘Oi, don’t start!’ Jessica said, narrowing her eyes in disapproval, but following with a smile. ‘And I’m glad you’ve managed to decipher the language as Polish, as I really had no idea.’

  ‘She doesn’t care anyway! Little telly addict!’ he replied, turning towards the bathroom. ‘Right, just jumping in the shower and then we can all head to the pool.’